Mr Al-Khapoun's Christmas Quiz, 2004

Two rumours have recently circulated concerning Mr Jasper Arrowroot, the presiding if incapable genius of the Philistine/Liberace Organisation. One suggested that he had passed on, the other that he had taken five wickets with six consecutive balls. It has cost Mr Al-Khapoun some time and effort to determine that both these were cases of mistaken identity, and it is only now, just before Christmas, that he is finally able to resume his primary function of making a nuisance of himself. His strategy has not changed. He hopes that you will drop your cracker and let your mince pie get cold while you try to identify the quotations below. Belatedly, he has supplied some totally unhelpful clues as well.
  1. `Je viens de jeter bas le minstre des Affaires étrangères.'
    L'autre crut qu'il plaisantait.
    `De jeter bas...quoi?'
    `Je vais changer le cabinet. Voilà tout! Il n'est pas trop tot de chasser cette charogne.'
    Le vieux, stupéfait, crut que son chroniqueur était gris. Il murmura:
    `Voyons, vous déraisonnez.'
    `Pas du tout. Je viens de surprendre M. Laroche-Mathieu en flagrant délit d'adultère avec ma femme. Le commissaire de police a constaté la chose. Le ministre est foutu.'

    `I have just been sacking the minister for foreign affairs.'
    He thought this must be a joke.
    `Sacking...what did you say?'
    `I'm going to change the government. That's it. It's about time we got rid of this bunch of jokers.'
    The old man thought, in a confused way, that his diarist was drunk. He muttered:
    `Come on, you're losing your grip.'
    `Not in the least. I have just found M. Laroche-Mathieu in flagrante delicto with my wife. The Commissioner of Police will back me up. The minister is screwed.'

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  2.             Our Lady of the Shipwrecked is striding toward the horizon,
                Her marble skirts blown back in two pink wings.
                A marble sailor kneels at her foot distractedly, and at his foot
                A peasant woman in black
                Is praying to the monument of the sailor praying.
                Our Lady of the Shipwrecked is three times life size,
                Her lips sweet with divinity.
                She does not hear what the sailor or the peasant is saying ­
                She is in love with the beautiful formlessness of the sea.

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  3. Al mattino presto si vede la Corsica: sembra una nave carica di montagne sospesa laggiù sull'orizzonte. Se si fosse in un altro paese ne sarebbero nate delle leggende: da noi no: la Corsica è un paese povero, più del nostro, nessuno ci è mai andato e nessuno ci ha mai pensato. Quando di mattina si vede la Corsica è che l'aria è chiara e ferma e non accenna a piovere.

    Early in the morning you can see Corsica, like a ship full of mountains out there on the horizon. In any other country there would be stories about it, but not where we are. Corsica is a poor country, poorer than ours: nobody has ever been there, or thought of going. If you can see Corsica in the morning that means it is a clear calm day and it isn't going to rain.

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  4. The fortunate brevity of this last war was due to the prompt and courageous action of the British Government in declaring war at once.

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  5.             Close your port-cullis, charge your basilisks,
                And, as you profitably take up arms,
                So now courageously encounter them.
                For by this answer broken is the league
                And naught is to be look'd for now but wars,
                And naught to us more welcome is than wars.

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  6. In the Library winter seemed to come a little earlier than anywhere else. She could tell by looking at the bust of Humboldt in the north corner; after three o'clock the plinth stood in a pool of shadows. She must pull herself together and look to other opportunities, that was certain. But it would be wrong, almost indecent to quit before the new children's section with its gay linoleum and adjustable reading lamps (her own idea, carried through in the face of Binswanger's carping and Miss Schalktritt's petty treasons) was properly installed and in use. To which resolve, so comforting in its indistinct futurity, Dr Röthling vigorously assented, adding that the New Year was an excellent time a fresh start, "for a thorough dusting inside", a mood which the coming season's municipal concerts with their rich sprinkling of Beethoven and Mahler could only reinforce. He whistled with that exactitude of pitch she envied the trumpet call from Mahler's Second. The clarion echoed around the room and died away in the magenta drapes.

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  7. Unsere Antwerpener Konversationen, wie er sie später bisweilen genannt hat, drehten sich, seinem erstaunlichen Fachwissen entsprechend, in erster Linie un baugeschichtliche Dinge, auch schon am jeden Abend, an dem wir miteinander bis gegen Mitternacht in der dem Wartesaal auf der andere Seite der großen Kuppelhalle genau gegenüberlegenen Restauration gesessen sind. Die wenigen Gäste, die sich zu später Stunde dort aufhielten, verliefen sich nach und nach, bis wir in dem Buffetraum, der dem Wartesaal in seiner ganzen Anlage wie ein Spiegelbild glich, allein waren mit einem einsamen Fernet-Trinker und mit der Buffetdame, die mit übereinandergeschlagenen Beinen auf einem Barhocker hinter dem Ausschank thronte und sich mit volkommener Hingebung und Konzentration die Fingernägel feilte.

    Our Antwerp Debates, as he later liked to call them, were mainly concerned with architectural history, because of his astonishing knowledge of the subject. That was so even that first evening, when we sat together until nearly midnight in the refreshment room across the great domed hall from the waiting room. The few customers there were at that late hour drifted away, and in the end we were left in the buffet, which was a perfect mirror image of the waiting room, with only a lone Fernet drinker and the waitress, who sat with one leg crossed over the other on a bar stool by the bar and filed her fingernails with the utmost dedication and concentration.

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  8.             Yet hold me not forever in thine East;
                How can my nature longer mix with thine?
                Coldly thy rosy shadows bathe me, cold
                Are all thy lights, and cold my wrinkled feet
                Upon thy glimmering thresholds, when the steam
                Floats up from those dim fields about the homes
                Of happy men that have the power to die,
                And grassy barrows of the happier dead.
                Release me, and restore me to the ground;
                Thou seëst all things, thou wilt see my grave:
                Thou wilt renew thy beauty morn by morn;
                I earth in earth forget these empty courts,
                And thee returning on thy silver wheels.

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  9. But too avoid too serious an air: can it be doubted, but that the finest woman in the world would lose all benefit of her charms, in the eye of a man who had never seen one of another cast? The ladies themselves seem so sensible of this, that they are all industrious to procure foils; nay, they will become foils to themselves: for I have observed (at Bath particularly) that they endeavour to appear as ugly as possible in the morning, in order to set off that beauty which they intend to shew you in the evening.

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  10. The main difficulty in using either lazo or bolas is to ride so well as to be able at full speed, and while suddenly turning about, to whirl them so steadily round the head, as to take aim: on foot any person would soon learn the art. One day, as I was amusing myself by galloping and whirling the balls round my head, by accident the free one struck a bush, and its revolving motion being thus destroyed, it immediately fell to the ground, and like magic caught one hind leg of my horse; the other ball was then jerked out of my hand, and the horse fairly secured. Luckily he was an old practised animal, and knew what it meant; otherwise he would probably have kicked until he had thrown himself down. The gauchos roared laughter; they cried out that they had seen every sort of animal caught, but had never seen a man caught by himself.

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  11. They had left Aussolas some half a mile behind, when, from a strip of wood on their right, the fox suddenly slipped over the bank on to the road just ahead of them, ran up it for a few yards, and whisked in at a small entrance gate, with the three couple of hounds yelling on a red-hot scent, not thirty yards behind. The bath-chair party whirled in at their heels, Philippa and the donkey considerably blown, Johnny scarlet through his freckles, but fresh as paint, the old lady blind and deaf to all things save the chase. The hounds went raging through the shrubs towards a grassy slope towards a shallow glen, in the bottom of which ran a little stream, and after them over the grass bumped the bath-chair. At the stream they turned sharply and ran up the glen towards the avenue, which crossed it by means of a rough stone viaduct.

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  12. But the most romantic Hunt servant is the Earthstopper, whose job, however, is not quite so ambitious as it sounds, but consists mainly in trying to prevent the Fox missing the enjoyment of the run by plunging down holes in the earth.

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