Mr Al-Khapoun's Christmas Quiz, 1996

Mr Al-Khapoun, of the Philistine/Liberace Organisation, has been slightly delayed this year in producing his annual quiz. This is because he has been attending a conference of European Philistines, intended to lead to the creation of a European Philistine Union. The meeting was a total failure, because no Philistine will admit to understanding any language but his or her own, if that. On the other hand it was great fun, and Mr Al-Khapoun is hoping that the questions below will provide just as much fun, for him, as he watches the desperate struggles of the literary as they try to identify the quotations. The authors range from the very famous indeed to the reasonably well-known, but none are downright obscure. Translations have been provided for the three in languages other then English: they are probably by Mr Al-Khapoun but of course he won't admit it. One of the quotations has been very slightly tampered with in order to remove an easily recognisable proper name.
  1. La mère n'avait pas desserré les dents de la journée. On ne l'avait consultée ni sur la toilette de la bru, ni sur l'ordonnance du festin; elle se retira de bonne heure. Son époux, au lieu de la suivre, envoya chercher des cigares à Saint-Victor et fuma jusqu'au jour, tout en buvant des grogs au kirsch, mélange inconnu à la compagnie, et qui fut pour lui comme la source d'une considération plus grande encore.

    [The mother hadn't unclenched her teeth all day. No-one had consulted her either about her daughter-in-law's clothes or about the reception. She went to bed early. Her husband, instead of following her, sent to Saint-Victor for cigars and smoked them all night, drinking grog and kirsch, a mixture that no-one present had seen before and which raised him even higher in the general esteem.]

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  2. `See here, old bean,' the Consul heard himself saying, `to have against you Franco, or Hitler, is one thing, but to have Actinium, Argon, Beryllium, Dysprosium, Niobium, Palladium, Praseodymium-'
    `Look here, Geoff-'
    `-Ruthenium, Samarium, Silicon, Tantalum, Tellurium, Terbium, Thorium-'
    `See here-'
    `-Thullium, Titanium, Uranium, Vanadium, Virginium, Xenon, Ytterbium, Yttrium, Zirconium, to say nothing of Europium and Germanium - ahip! - and Columbium! - against you, is another.'

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  3.                       Knees backward in toothed three-way boots, you stand,
                          Dinewan, proud emu, common as the dust
                          in your sleeveless cloak, returning our interest.
                          Your shield of fashion's wobbly: you're Quaint, you're Native,
                          even somewhat Bygone.

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  4.        `Do you know what time we arrive at the frontier?'
    Looking back on the conversation, this question does not seem to me to have been particularly unusual. It is true that I had no interest in the answer; I merely wanted to ask something which might start us chatting, and which wasn't, at the same time, inquisitive or impertinent. Its effect on the stranger was remarkable. He gave me a long, odd glance, and his features seemed to stiffen a little. It was the glance of a poker-player who guesses suddenly that his opponent holds a straight flush and he had better be careful. At length he answered, speaking slowly and with caution:
           `I'm afraid I couldn't tell you exactly. In about an hour's time, I believe.'
    His glance, now vacant for a moment, was clouded again. An unpleasant thought seemed to tease him like a wasp; he moved his head to avoid it. Then he added, with surprising petulance:
           `All these frontiers . . . such a horrible nuisance.'
    I wasn't quite sure how to take this. The thought crossed my mind that he was perhaps some kind of mild internationalist; a member of the League of Nations Union. I ventured encouragingly:
           `They ought to be done away with.'
           `I quite agree with you. They ought, indeed.'

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  5.                       . . . grassless, linksless, languageless country in which letters are written
                          not in Spanish, not in Greek, not in Latin, not in shorthand
                          but in plain American which cats and dogs can read! The letter a in psalm and calm when
                          pronounced with the sound of a in candle, is very noticeable, but
                          why should continents of misapprehension have to be accounted for by the
                          fact? Does it follow that because there are poisonous toadstools
                          which resemble mushrooms, both are dangerous?

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  6.                       For the crown of our life as it closes
                                                Is darkness, the fruit thereof dust;
                          No thorns go as deep as a rose's
                                                And love is more cruel than lust.
                          Time turns the old days to derision
                                                Our loves into corpses or wives;
                          And marriage and death and division
                                                Make barren our lives.

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  7. Let the Churches ask themselves why there is no revolt against the dogmas of mathematics though there is one against the dogmas of religion. It is not that the mathematical dogmas are any more comprehensible. The law of inverse squares is as incomprehensible to the common man as the Athanasian creed.

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  8.                       Der monschein deut die menschenlere
                          Der sophisten hin und here
                          Innerhalb der vierhundert jaren.
                          Die seynt nach ir vernunfft gefaren
                          Und hand uns abgefüret ferr
                          Vor der evangelischen ler
                          Unseres hirten Jesu Christ
                          Hin su dem lewen in die wist.

    [The moonlight denotes the worldly knowledge of the philosophers, here and there, of the last four hundred years. They have followed their own thoughts and have led us, far from the evangelists and the doctrine of our shepherd, Jesus Christ, to the lion in the wilderness.]

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  9. `It is the hour! Blessed Virgin, Mother Hera, Mother Frigga, Mother Ishtar, Mother Isis, dread Mother Astarte of the weaving arms, it is thy priestess, it is she who after the blind centuries and the groping years shall make it known to the world that ye are one, and that in me ye are all revealed, and that in this revelation shall come peace and wisdom universal, the secret of the spheres and the pit of understanding.'

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  10.                       Tutto è silenzio, lugubre infinito
                          silenzio, nel lontano
                          regno che regnerai. Simile a un nero
                          sepolcro è un trono vacuo, deserto
                          da tempo immemoriale, fatale:
                          ove già stette solitario assiso
                          un re onnipossente.

    [All is silence, sad unending silence, in the far kingdom you shall rule. Like a black tomb is the empty throne, deserted since time immemorial, cursed, where once an omnipotent king sat alone.]

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