Mr Al-Khapoun's Christmas Quiz, 1999

Mr Al-Khapoun, of the Philistine/Liberace Organisation, has been laid up with an early case of the millennium bug; but any hopes that the literary-minded may have entertained that his annual Christmas Quiz might not appear are hereby dashed. You are invited to identify the ten quotations that appear below. Failing that, you are invited to say what you think they ought to be. They are all given in their original language. Mr Al-Khapoun has provided rather free translations for the ones that are not in English. All the authors are at least moderately well-known, not necessarily for authorship. Later on Mr Al-Khapoun may (if asked nicely) provide some clues; and at the end of January he will release the answers.
  1.        `But the trouble of which I speak was caused by an English newspaper.'
           He continued to stare at me. I don't think he was aware that the story of the midnight arrest had been ferreted out by an English journalist and given to the world. When I explained this to him he muttered contemptuously, `It may have been altogether a lie.'
           `I should think you are the best judge of that,' I retorted, a little disconcerted. `I must confess that to me it looks to be true in the main.'
           How can you tell truth from lies?' he queried in his new, immovable manner.

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  2.                      I like relativity and quantum theories
                         because I don't understand them
                         and they make me feel as if space shifted about like a swan that can't settle,
                         refusing to sit still and be measured;
                         and as if the atom were an impulsive thing
                         always changing its mind.

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  3. Er war, wie gesagt, Professor der Naturkunde, er erklärte, wie es regnet, donnert, blitzt, warum die Sonne scheint bei Tage und der Mond des Nachts, wie und warum das Gras wächst etc., so daß jedes kind es begreifen mußte. Er hatte die ganze Natur in ein kleines niedliches Kompendium zusammengefaßt, so daß er sie bequem nach Gefallen handhaben und daraus für jede Frage die Antwort wie aus einem Schubkasten herausziehen konnte. Seinen Ruf begründete er zuerst dardurch, als er nach vielen physikalischen Versuchen glücklich herausgebracht hatte, daß die Finsternis hauptsächlich von Mangel an Licht herrühre.

    [He was, as I said, a Professor of Physics. He explained how it rained, how it thundered, how there was lightning, why the sun shines by day and the moon at night, how and why grass grows, etc. He had collected all of Nature into a small tidy handbook, so that he could refer to it easily when needed and pull the answer to any question out of it, as if out of a drawer. He first gained his reputation by showing, after many physical experiments, that the chief cause of darkness was lack of light.]

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  4. `I wish I could find my calculator,' she said. `Dennis figures everything up, has to add it three times, loses his place. I can't add at all any more, seems like. They say if you do sums ten times a day you'll never get senile. But that argues that bankers should be geniuses, so that's not right. Thickest heads in the world.'

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  5.                      à travers la mince cloison
                         ce jour où un enfant
                         prodigue à sa façon
                         rentra dans sa famille

                         j'entends la voix
                         elle est émue elle commente
                         la coupe du monde de football

    [Through the thin partition, the day a prodigal - in his way - son returned to his family, I hear the voice: an excited voice, giving a commentary on the football World Cup.]

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  6. We have nothing against the Celtic race as such. We are assured that the Celts have a long and obscure history, and have made their contribution to science and the arts, such as it is.

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  7.                      Then a king of the west said, `Good!-
                                               I bring thee gifts of the time;
                         Red, for the patriot's blood,
                                               Green, for the martyr's crown,
                         White, for the dew and the rime,
                                              When the morning of God comes down.'

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  8. Occorse in quel tempo che un certo Gianiacomo piffero da Cesena, che stava col papa, molto mirabil sonatore, mi fece intendere per Lorenzo trombone lucchese, il quale è oggi al servizio di nostra duca, se io volevo aiutar loro per il Ferragosto del papa sonar di sobrano col mio cornetto quel giorno parecchi mottetti, che loro bellissimi scelti avevano.

    [Around that time a flautist called Gianiacomo, from Cesena, a wonderful player who worked for the Pope, sent me a message by Lorenzo, the trombonist from Lucca, who now works for the duke here. They wanted me to help them at the papal celebrations of Ferragosto by playing the horn part in some carefully chosen motets.]

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  9. Sunday rail travel in England is never enjoyable for the trains are crowded, are subject to delays and diversions due to repairs and maintenance on the line, and, to add to one's tedium, the restaurant cars are conspicuous by their absence for travellers are not expected to eat on the Sabbath.

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  10. I have told you that I was surprized to see your husband grown so fat. I should have added that I thought he looked very well. He will tell you that I am much thinner than when I last saw you. I first lost my flesh in Dorsetshire having a violent cold attended with a swelled face, violent toothach and many symptoms of fever. I was never fat afterwards though less thin than I am at present, and I am afraid I shall never regain the stone and a quarter of flesh which I have lost.

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