Mr Al-Khapoun's Christmas Quiz, 1992

Mr Al-Khapoun's Christmas Quiz, 1992 Mr Al-Khapoun, of the Philistine/Liberace Organisation, rubbing his hands gleefully and grinning like a Cheshire cat, invites you to identify the quotations that follow. If you succeed to any noticeable extent he may be sufficiently flabbergasted to buy you a drink: then again, he may not.
  1. Ye miserable, crawling worms, are ye here again, then? Have ye come like Nimshi, son of Reheboam, secretly out of yer doomed houses to hear what's coming to ye? Have ye come, old and young, sick and well, matrons and virgins (if there is any virgins among ye, which is not likely, the world being in the wicked state it is), old men and young lads, to hear me tellin' o' the great crimson lickin' flames o' hellfire?

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  2.                       And heed nae mair the foolish cries that beg
                          Ye slice nae mair to aff or pu' to leg,
                          You skitin' duffer that gars a'body fleg,
                          --What tho' you ding the haill warld oot o' joint
                          Wi a skier to cover-point!

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  3. Hab' mir's gelobt, ihn liebzuhaben in der richtigen Weis'. Daß ich selbst sein Lieb' zu einer ander'n noch lieb hab'! Hab' mir freilich nicht gedacht, daß es so bald mir auferlegt sollt' werden! Es sind die mehreren Dinge auf der Welt, so daß sie eins nicht glauben tät', wenn man sie möcht erzählen hör'n. Alleinig, wer's erlebt, der glaubt daran und weiss nicht wie... Da steht der Bub, und da steh' ich, und mit dem fremden Mädel dort wird er so glücklich sein, als wie halt Männer das Glücklichsein versteh'n.

    [I promised myself to love him as I ought. That I would even love his love for another woman. I did not truly imagine that I should have to do it so soon. Many strange things happen in the world, so that one scarcely believes them when one hears them told. Only those who live through them believe them, and do not know how... There is the boy, and here am I, and with that unknown girl he will be happy, as men understand happiness.]

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  4.                       Witness this weighty Book, in which appears
                          The crabbed Toil of many thoughtfull years,
                          Spent by thy Authour in the Sifting Care
                          Of Rabbins' old Sophisticated Ware
                          From Gold Divine, which he who well can sort
                          May afterwards make Algebra a Sport.

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  5. This Englishman, as I afterwards found, was a military man returning to his country from India, and crossing the Desert at this part in order to go through Palestine. As for me, I had come pretty straight from England, and so here we met in the wilderness at about half way from our respective starting points. As we approached each other, it became a question with me whether we should speak. I thought it likely that the stranger would accost me, and in the event of his doing so, I was quite ready to be as sociable and chatty as I could be according to my nature: but still I could think of anything particular that I had to say to him. Of course among civilised people, the not having anything to say is no excuse at all for not speaking; but I was shy, and indolent, and I felt no great wish to stop, and talk like a morning visitor, in the midst of those broad solitudes. The traveller, perhaps, felt as I did, for, except that we lifted our hands to our caps, and waved our arms in courtesy, we passed each other quite as distantly as if we had passed in Pall Mall.

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  6. Poor Mr Romer indeed! His fate was perhaps as sad as well might be, and as foul a blot to the purism of these very pure times in which we live. Not long after those days, it so happening that some considerable amount of youthful energy and quidnunc ability were required to set litigation afloat at Hong-Kong, Mr Romer was sent thither as the fittest man for such work, with rich assurance of future guerdon.

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  7. We reach a condition where there is a shortage of houses, but where nevertheless no one can afford to live in the houses that there are.

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  8. Comment pouvez-vous dire des bêtises pareilles, vous qui deviez savoir les risques énormes que les capitaux courent dans l'industrie, dans les mines par exemple? Une fosse tout équipée, aujourd'hui, coûte de quinze cent mille francs à deux millions; et que de peine avant de retirer un intérêt médiocre d'une telle somme engloutie! Presque la moitié des sociétés minières, en France, font faillite  .  .  .

    [How can you say such a stupid thing! You of all people ought to know what risks one takes with capital in industry, in mines for instance. A fully equipped pit, today, costs between fifteen hundred thousand and two million francs, and what trouble one must go to in order get even a reasonable return from such an investment! Almost half the mining companies in France today are bankrupt.]

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  9. No one was hurt. No one ever is in Serbia. Just badly shaken and frightened out of one's wits. It is all, when you come to think of it, part of the Serbian Way of Life  .  .  .

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  10. 		Goodness	Piety		Usefulness
    
    Alfonso G.  ..	    4		  4		    10
    Nina    ..  ..	    2		  5		    10
    Manuel B.   ..	   10		 10		     0
    Alfonso V.  ..	   -8		-10		    10
    Vera N. ..  ..	    0		  0		    10
    

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